FUNNY VIDEO'S AND PICTURES

This looks fun
Something I would just love to do, even if it was only once

Sometime this year, we pensioners will receive a heating allowance payment.

This is indeed a very exciting programme and I'll explain it by using a Q &
A format:

Q. What is an 'H A' payment ?

A. It is money that the government will send to taxpayers.

Q.. Where will the government get this money ?

A. From taxpayers.

Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?

A. Only a smidgen of it.

Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?

A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high- definition TV
set, thus stimulating the economy.

Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?

A. Shut up.

Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the economy by spending
your compensation cheque wisely:

* If you spend the stimulus money at Currys the money will go to China or
Sri Lanka ...

* If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs.

* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or China .

* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras
and Guatemala ..

* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea

* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .

* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management
bonuses and they will hide it offshore.

Instead, keep the money in England by:

1) Spending it at boot sales, or

2) Going to football games, or

3) Spending it on prostitutes, or

4) Beer or

5) Tattoos.

(These are the only U K businesses still operating here profitably)

Conclusion:

Go to a footy game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a boot sale
and drink beer all day !

No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.

A police officer pulls over a speeding car.

The officer says, 'I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir.'

The driver says, 'Christ, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating.'

Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control.'

As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, 'Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?'

The wife smiles demurely and says, 'You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did.'

As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, 'F..k it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?'

The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic 75 pound fine.'

The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.'

The wife says, 'Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.'

And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, 'WHY DON'T You shut the f..k up??'

The officer looks over at the woman and asks, 'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?'



I love this part.... :




'Only when he's pissed.'

crying with laughter, i'll be telling both of them over christmas

HAHAHA

Tony have you seen Stevie Wonders new drummer?

~Lee

He had a cabbage on a lead thought it was a collie

Awesome J Turn by the police!

This one had me crying with laughter

This one is definitely the video of the day!

Split-Lee wrote:

This one is definitely the video of the day!

Hahaha

This is my fav video at the mo

enjoy!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XyGlZ3LbkgU


Tom

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA


HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA









HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Silly Warnings - Or Funny Christmas Facts

If you think last Christmas was bad, it could have been worse - as these funny facts from the United Kingdom prove. I cannot help wondering if other areas of the world are more accident prone or less? Another thought, how does Christmas compare with other times of the year?

1) Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after cracker pulling accidents.

2) Three people die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

3) Five people were injured last year in accidents involving out of control Scalextric cars.

4) Eight people cracked their skull in 1997 after falling asleep while throwing up into the toilet.

5) Eighteen people had serious burns in 1998 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

6) Nineteen people have died in the last 3 years believing that Christmas decorations were chocolate.

7) Thirty one people have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the fairy lights were plugged in.

8 ) Fifty eight people are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

9) One hundred and one people since 1997 have had to have broken parts of plastic toys pulled out of the soles of their feet.

10) One hundred and forty two people were injured in 1998 by not removing all pins from new shirts.

11) Five hundred and forty three people were admitted to A&E in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

Top Ten Funny Christmas Warnings

1. This product not intended for use as a dental drill.
Television advert warning on a DIY electric rotary tool.

2. This product is not to be used in bathrooms.
On a bathroom heater given last year as a Christmas present.

3. Christmas Lights Warning:
For indoor or outdoor use only.

4. Not suitable for children aged 36 months or less.
On a Christmas card for a 1 year old.

5. Do not use if you cannot see to read the information in the information booklet.
In the information booklet.

6. Do not place this product into any electronic equipment.
On the case of a chocolate CDs in a Christmas gift basket.

7. Caution: The contents of this bottle should not be fed to fish.
On a bottle of Christmas shampoo for dogs.

8.Keep out of reach of children and teenagers.
On a can of spray foam used to decorate glass at Christmastime.

9. Warning: Do not climb inside this bag and zip it up. Doing so will cause injury and death.
A label inside a protective bag containing fragile Christmas presents which measures 15cm by 15cm by 12cm.

10. Battery may explore or leak.
On a battery found in a Christmas present.

HOW MEN AMUSE THEMSELVES IN TESCO


Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her husband or
boyfriend along shopping

This letter was actually sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in
Oxford :


Dear Mrs. Murray,

Whilst we would like to thank you for your valued custom and use of
the
Tesco Loyalty Card, the Manager of our store in Banbury is considering
banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your
husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of his actions over the past few months all verified
by
our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's
trolleys when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute
intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to
feminine
products aisle.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone,
'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and
told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a
Calorgas stove.

7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him,
he
began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'

8.. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a
mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

9. October 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the
Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the
antidepressants
were.

10. November 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming
the
Mission Impossible' theme.

11.November 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look'
using different size funnels.

12. November 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed,
yelled'
PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'

13. November 21: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker,
assumed
the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again.'

And; last, but not least:

14. November 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a
while;
then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'

Lol...... Loving his work

I like the Tesco one, I could relate to that

Austin powers wrote:

Just listened to this the whole way through and its brilliant!

~Lee

Quote :

Just listened to this the whole way through and its brilliant!

~Lee

Foster Brooks cracks me up, there's a lot more of him on you tube

Have a look for the Foster Brooks Roasts Dean Martin video