The Joke Thread

Definitely a joke for Tony!

Do you know anyone that would want a 60 inch plasma TV for 100 quid???



















Volume button don't work, but at a price like that, you can't turn it down

french foreplay: dinner, wine,sex!
italian forplay: dinner, wine, dancing, sex!
latino foreplay: dinner, wine,dancing, caressing, sex!
english foreplay: OI...You awake?.....

This might (will) get me a slap, but it'll be worth it

A bank near me is installing a drive-thru cashpoint and have produced two leaflets detailing how to use them:


'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through cash machines
enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been
developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:

1... Drive up to the cash machine.

2. LOWER your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Raise window.

7. Drive off.

************************* ******
FEMALE PROCEDURE:

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the
machine.

3. Put hand brake on, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on mobile phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive
distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside
back page.

11. Enter PIN .

12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in cheque book and place receipt in back of it.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on mobile phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Hand Brake.

Sorrrrrrry

Brave, brave man!

The wife phoned me and said, 'You'd better come to the hospital, my mother hasn't got long to live.' I replied, 'But England are playing tonight.' She said, 'Record it and watch it later.' You should have seen her face when I turned up at the hospital with the camcorder and tripod !

Fun idea: Don't have kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep
upstairs and not to be woken. When you get home later that evening, go
mental and ask where the child has gone.

Split-Lee wrote:

Fun idea: Don't have kids? Hire a babysitter anyway, say kid is asleep
upstairs and not to be woken. When you get home later that evening, go
mental and ask where the child has gone.

LOL could also open the bedroom window and hang a dressing gown out of it

Statistically 6 out of 7 dwarfs aren't happy!

This is really uncanny

We know were you are

http://www.darnay.com/iec/features/locator/index.html

Wow that is freaky Roger.....

Hatch DLM wrote:

This is really uncanny

We know were you are

http://www.darnay.com/iec/features/locator/index.html

That's brilliant, I even took the laptop into the kitchen and........... Yep it found me there as well. going to try it upstairs later

God Loves Drunks Too!

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it’s 3am in the morning and it’s blooming pouring rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know.”

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.......................................................























"Over here, on the swing"

haha

Paddy n Murphy are racing up a hill.
"if i get there first, im gonna write my name at the top." says paddy.
Murphy says "if i get there first im gonner rub it out"

Paddy tells Mick he's thinking of buying a labrador.

"Forget that" says Mick,

"Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"



Tony

A man is stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he’s going.

“I’m on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol abuse on the human body.”

The policeman asks, “Really?

And who’s going to give a lecture at this time of night?”


“My wife”, comes the reply

I like the last one, very good!

Kenny Dagleish got wind of potential young recruit who lives in Iraq.
Kenny caught a plane to the troubled Iraq capital Baghdad and track the young boy down.They risk life and limb dodging car bombs, bullets and grenades but finally find him and convince him to come to England.
The boy does a full pre-season, plays all the friendlies and gets picked on the bench in the 1st team for the first game of the year.30 minutes into the game, Luis Suarez goes down with a severe knee injury. Kenny turns to the boy and says "This is it son, go and show us what you can do."The boy proceeds to play the greatest debut game in EPL history. He score 3 goals and scores the winning goal from a 30 yard free kick in the 94th minute.
The boys chair him off the ground and give him three cheers back in the rooms. Dagleish tells the team what the boy from Iraq has been through and he is a model lesson for all. Kenny then pulls the boy aside and says "Go into my office son , ring your Mother and tell her what you did today."He proceeds to do so. "Mum", he says down the phone, "Guess what I did today?" "I don't care what you did today." His Mother replies. "I tell you what happened here today", she goes on. "Your Dad was stabbed and robbed, our house was torched, our car blown up, your sister was attacked and your brother was abducted.""Gee" says the boy. "I feel a bit responsible for what happened."The Mother replies "So you should be, if it wasn't for you we would never have shifted to Liverpool."

The Irish SAS stormed a local Debenhams a couple of weeks ago after they heard that Summer bed linen was on the 3rd floor.

Bin Ladens DNA came back the other day as 20% cocoa, 45% coconut, 20% sugar and 25% fat. Experts say that it was probably due to the bounty on his head.

I congratulated a scarecrow today,he was outstanding in his field.

I used to pretend I was a plastic bag.

But then I got carried away.

I fell on my arm and had to have an operation on my funny bone.
I was in stitches for two weeks.